I drew this. I want it tattooed on me. I need to redo the parrot.

Kaitlyn, it’s amazing how through such a small amount of time, we’ve already become such a strong couple. Everything you do amazes me and leaves me with the biggest ear-to-ear smile. You’re truly everything I’ve ever wanted and I feel like the luckiest guy in all of ever. I know I tend to repeat things, but I mean them every time I say them and so you never have a doubt. I’m happy. And that’s something I haven’t been able to say in so long. You’ve given me that and it means everything to me. YOU’re my everything. <3

Another sleepless night. These nightmares are constant, even the seemingly good dreams end up torture when I finally wake up. When will they fade? When will my life turn around? I’m worn to nothing and it will take much longer to rebuild what I once was. I use to be strong, I use to be able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders along with the rest of the Universe.. but now, even the slight most bit of stress or pain tears me apart more and more. Alone, I am a sad, nothing. I am nothing without that one special person. My life drags on like an old silent film, choppy and repetitive. ”Comic relief” here and there, but with every end a new beginning.. to something much worse sequels.

Where is my strength?

Why must I go about this alone?

I constantly have so much on my mind. Why do I feel like I need someone so badly? I have so much compassion and care built up.. but no one to give it to any longer. Sure.. there are people that “like” me and all, but I feel no connection. And after what recently happened, it’s been harder to establish anything with anyone. Even after I let my guard down a bit and try “talking talking” to someone new, I only get hurt. Maybe my standards are too high? I don’t know for sure.. What do I know? I feel as if I know everything I shouldn’t and nothing I should. Everyday is a struggle and it’s so difficult to make it sometimes. This world runs on lies and I can’t take it. I don’t know what’s worth it anymore. It drives me crazy. I can’t go a night without nightmares, I can’t go a day without memories of what I once had. It makes it nearly impossible to look torward the future. I have a few motives and dreams, but I had to push some people out of my life which cause many hopes to crumble. No matter what, I’ll always care, no matter how many times it leads to my downfall. I’m almost afraid of myself sometimes, I can be very two-sided. A bigger evil resides inside of me and it’s rarely let go, but when I do.. I quickly realize what I’m doing and am able to control it.

I feel so dramatic, but every word is true.

I hope one day, it becomes less of a struggle to make it through.

Everything.. it all reminds me of something that once was. Places, music, movies, television shows, even video games.. all of it reminds me of her.

Since August 2nd, every dream has been about her. Literally. It makes things harder, and I already scared enough of sleeping anyway. I don’t understand, even today, things get said that make me think everything will one day go back to how they once were.. but it’s hard knowing about the future and wanting it in the present. I’m confused. And, there’s really no way of fixing that. This is one part of my life I’ll always look at and wonder, “What the hell happened?” I’ve learned things the hard way and I’ve become a better person because of it. But what now? What am I supposed to use this gained insight and experience for? I feel useless, like all of this has made no difference. I’m still where I was. Maybe a little better, but not enough to make an impact and make me think things are really going to get better.

Today I’ve realized a lot, some of it good, but for the majority.. bad.

But the bad isn’t so bad I suppose, because now I know what to remove from my life. I shouldn’t keep feelings back, because a lot of positive things can come from it.       

I shouldn’t try to force things to happen that are in all reality, NEVER going to happen.

I shouldn’t put my faith into people I can’t trust, because nothing good will EVER come out of it.

I shouldn’t underestimate myself because I’ll only LOSE all that I’ve become.

I shouldn’t let the little things get to me, and when they happen, I can only HOPE for the best.